Safe Vulnerability
Today was the first day in this journey that when asked how I was doing, I responded with silence.
I responded with a tear.
I responded with a whispered sigh.
This infection in my lymph node area stopped me in my tracks.
The pain. The swelling. The heat. It's excruciatingly intentional.
I hate it.
For weeks of ordering groceries online, today I finally ventured out, pain and all, and went to Ralph's. I just needed to get a few things and I just HAD TO GET OUT OF THIS APARTMENT!!
Tasks and motions that have been second nature to me, performed without thought, I had to now calculate each movement.
Slowly reaching for anything. I hate it.
Not lifting my shopping cart in one swoop move to place it in the grocery cart. I hate it.
I didn't feel like myself. I am a two-time brain tumor survivor and am cancer free, yet for the first time navigating this medical trial, I didn't feel like myself.
Will I get through this. Absolutely. But it didn't help that when I shared my vulnerability I was invalidated as not being logical.
Which is the reason I titled this post Safe Vulnerability.
Being vulnerable is not an indication of a loss of faith.
Being vulnerable is not a dirty word.
We've heard too many times that it is okay to not be okay. However, we do need to be careful who we share not being okay with.
No one should be shamed within their vulnerability, nor have their feelings invalidated simply because someone else thinks differently.
My friend Lavinia is a heart transplant recipient. She is one strong, empowered woman of God! Amen! She has an incredible and inspiring testimony. Praise God! As an advocate for organ donation and a One Legacy Ambassador, she has connected with so many individuals here in the U.S. and internationally, sharing their amazing life experiences and bringing organ donation awareness to the forefront.
You can check out her important and inspiring platform on Instagram and YouTube.
To affirm the point of feelings aligned with each person as their own experience, her journey is not a journey that I've ventured on. I don't know what it is like to go through that process, nor do I know the feels associated with it. Only someone who has gone through or is going through these miraculous lifesaving processes of organ transplants would truly be able understand.
Yet, what I am able to understand is really all about empathy and compassion for another human being. Their feels in general overall. I am able to understand what it means to encourage someone during their trial, help strengthen their faith when those teeny bouts of emotional human being moments show up, or even help make them laugh.
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."
This line is from the holiday movie ALMOST CHRISTMAS.
We don't have to understand the ins and outs of the exact experiences, or how someone feels about what they are going through, we just need to make sure we don't invalidate how they feel just because we may not understand.
One of the reasons for me creating this blog is to be able to express myself through this journey. The road is definitely not straight. Being vulnerable and sharing my feels is what I hope inspires other women to know that it is okay to talk about not being okay. As long as it's with someone that they feel safe with. We are strong, we are also human.
Tonight, I spoke with a friend who lives out of town. Miss her, wish she was closer. We talk at least once a week, like two-hour phone call talking. Every day since my diagnosis she sends me hilarious videos! After the call I felt peace. I felt empowered. I felt encouraged. She didn't make me feel stupid for being vulnerable and feeling the way I felt about MY body, MY life, MY feels. Whether she understood it or not, whether she agreed with why I was feeling the way I was feeling or not, she knew it wasn't about her or projecting her ways of doing and being as the right and only way that everyone needs to be.
She listened, we laughed, she encouraged, we laughed.
I needed this.
Being vulnerable and sharing your feels takes courage and the reason it takes courage is because we may not know how safe it is with someone. Am I going to be ridiculed? Am I going to be invalidated? Am I going to be judged?
Just because someone lives their life and does their things a certain way, it doesn't mean that their ways are the right and only ways and that you should follow suit.
Feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. It's okay.
Open up and speak to someone. It's okay.
Do what you need to do and how you need to do it. It's okay.
Your experience is yours and that's more than okay.
Vulnerability is strength.
Vulnerability is beauty.
You are strong and beautiful.
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