Computer Crash & Mother's Day

One of the other ways the cancerous mass inside my breast hits differently than the non-cancerous mass on my brain, is how much I'm missing my mother.

She passed away three years before my brain tumor diagnosis. I was fine with her not being here. Not happy but grateful. She had been sick for many years before her illness shifted quickly and I knew nothing would stop her or could stop her from getting her ailing body on a plane to get to me.

I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Her failing health would have stressed us both out. No, I'm grateful that she didn't have to be burdened with either of those tumors.

But this. This is different. For me, I believe it's because of being a woman. Yes, I am well aware that men can get breast cancer also. But, for something like this, mother-daughter womanhood connection, I miss her something terrible.

Sunday, was a sad day. Every Mother's Day is a sad day, but this one hit me hard. I cried most of the day. And I remembered.

I remembered when my mom took me shopping to get my first bra.

I remembered her having a talk with my father about me developing so early.

I remembered her having a talk with me about my 'protruding front uppers' and boys. [see earlier post for original reference :) ]

I miss my mother.

Getting a diagnosis that you have breast cancer, well, it's especially a time like this that a girl just needs her mother.

The day progressed with phone calls and indeed some laughter from friends that lifted my spirits. Eventually I sat at my computer to get ready to blog and, yeah nothing. At first I thought my computer may have been hacked because it was acting funny as soon as I turned it on. Slower than usual and empty spaces. Then I received the message.

A program triggered an exception handler that is unable to identify or address the drive problem. Crash! I tried for hours to get it back to no avail. The crash started Saturday and seeped on into Sunday.

I procrastinated backing up my files. I was supposed to do it last month, but I kept putting it off.

My books and my art. I cried some more.

I cried about everything I could think of.

My mommy.

Breast cancer.

Friends going through their own valleys.

A guy I like.

Homelessness.

Poverty and hunger.

War.

Rude people.

The fact that I wanted cake.

It was a sad day Sunday.

Then Monday came. I awoke with gratitude for another day.

Sat in the presence of the Lord, which is joy.

Thought a bit more clearly.

Okay, so I do have the latest project that I'm working on in the Cloud which I am very thankful about that!

I thank God that I am still a Best Buy member and Monday was able to purchase a PC, upgraded, on sale, plus with my membership comes free Geek Squad service! I didn't even know that! I'm praying they can enact a data recovery of earlier works and art that are not in the Cloud.

But most importantly, I am able to pay honor to my mother in this blog.

Mom, I love you and miss you so very much. I love our memories and I am so thankful that God gave me to you. Happy Mother's Day! Oh and you would have LOVED this season of Survivor! I had only watched the show because you watched it. I miss our talks about it the next day. I still watch it, just because of you.